Hi. It’s Me.
Have you ever met someone that on the surface seems to be pretty normal? They seem to have life kind of figured out. But, the more you get to know that person you realize that they are a complete hotmess. Every potential bad situation and bad choice that can be made, well, they will end up making it. You just find yourself thinking “what in the fuck is wrong with this girl?” No? Well allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Sarah and right now, at the ripe age of 32 years old my life is more of a clusterfuck than ever before, at least that’s how I feel every single day. Why do I feel this way you ask? Oh well where do I begin and how much time do you actually intend on dedicating to this little blog of mine? Hours? Days? The rest of your life till I figure this out? Okay awesome, lets start from the beginning. (As soon as I figure out where that really is).
Like I said, Im 32, born and raised in Akron, Ohio, yes the home of the almighty LeBron James. My life has been pretty average and normal, at least in my opinion. Failed relationship after failed relationship has brought me to the brink of insanity. And not just like love life relationship but almost every relationship I’ve ever pursued whether it involve love, or friendship or career or just relationship with something that I felt was important for myself.
Like for instance this blog, My best friend set this thing up and has been telling me for months that I have an interesting story to tell and that people could relate to it, I might really enjoy it, and ive waited at least a month to write my first entry. Its something I do. I’m a Scorpio so I get overly excited about something or the total opposite, not excited at all and then I go completely balls to the walls over whatever it was that I got excited about and then I just…stop. This happens with almost everything I involve myself in. It’s a terrible quality and I fully recognize that, and im working on changing it, but the struggle is real for ya girl!
That being said, you may find yourself falling completely in love with my story and waiting at the edge of your seat for my next entry, and I may…just disappear. Im aware. That’s shitty. But it’s real so feel free to get attached but buyer be ware. She’s kind of a flight risk. And the other thing is is that I truly have no idea what im doing.
I have no set plan on what im trying to portray with this blog or by telling my story. I have no idea where to start or how detailed to be or how much I really want to expose myself, I guess im just going to go with the flow, whatever that may be. Im going to spill my guts as it filters through my brain and hope that by doing that ill create some sort of peace within myself and end to my constant brain drain.
My brain legit runs all day. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I realize most people are this way but I am constantly doubting myself and telling myself I should of done it this way and replaying situations and trying to think of my next move or how I can get myself out of this weeks disaster and that is a lot for one person to handle.
Beyond that I don’t really talk to many people. I mean I have a handful of close friends that I truly would die without and some family that im close with but beyond that I don’t share much of my life with many people. Its just so confusing. It really hard to keep up with. My best friend requests a flow chart on a regular basis. And to be honest, Im embarrassed.
Like most people I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at the age of 32 but its really affecting me right now. I am not in a career that im happy with, in fact at this moment im just working a job. My love life is the biggest train wreck of all time (don’t worry ill get deeper into that in just a bit-stay tuned you wont want to miss that) and the biggest secret has not been revealed yet just because im not ready to tell the whole world that part or at least the 6 or 7 of you that may read this.
Typing all this makes me feel like its really not that bad, and trust me im fully aware that there are tons of other people that are in way worse off situations and they have made it through all of it and are living their best life right now. Trust me I respect and appreciate all those stories and give all those people lots of props and hope someday ill meet them on the other side but right now, this is my story and my life and I cant help but feel like…ive screwed myself for the 9 millionth time.
When will I learn? When will I see the red flag two days deep and head for the hills? When will I get the happy ever after? I mean shit. Its exhausting. To be honest im at a real fork in the road with my life right now. I feel like the next thing that happens to me can send me either one of two ways.
Which two ways? Well I can either have something happen that is just life changing and the heavens open up and God comes down and says “Sarah, your suffering is over. You now get to be happy! Good day, don’t forget to eat your vegetables, kiss kiss!” or option two is I’m going to start smoking crack. Like legit the hard stuff, crack. I think its the hard stuff. And that will just be that. And that my friends is a scary place to be. Most people don’t just wake up at the age of 32 and pick up a crack habit and no offense to those of you who may have, but I cant imagine its on anyones to-do list.
Real quick, here’s another fun fact about me, sometimes im kind of offensive. I don’t mean to be, I really don’t. I don’t even think about what im saying as being remotely offensive because I don’t usually get offened by much personally but I know a lot of people are… sensitive and that’s okay, im sensitive in other ways, I just don’t get offended easily. So if you do, that’s kind of your exit signal. But if you don’t mind a cuss word here and there, a little more here on certain days depending on the turn of events, and a few strong opinions every once in a while then we should be good.
I guess at the end of the day im doing this because I don’t know what else to do. Im tired. Im tired of failing at everything in my life and im hoping this gives me some relief and clarity. I feel like ive tried on my own to figure this shit show out and I clearly cant. So in some strange way im hoping that through typing my thoughts out it will help me process my feelings in a better way and maybe live a better life.
Crazy right? I know, but that’s just me. You’ll see.